The Day I Found Out it Grew.

We got the results 30th September 2020, and I was shocked. Completely and utterly shocked. Vern and I had a zoom call with Matt (Dr Phillips) and he started off with “I’ve got bad news and good news”. The bad news was that it had grown to about 20% of its original size. I can’t even remember the good news, I think it was probably only Matt’s optimism we could manage it again.

When I ‘walk by faith’ – there is a very clear path (in my head) that my ‘walk’ should take. Prior to this CT scan, two x-rays had reported growth but I believed them to be wrong. When the CT scan confirmed growth I was genuinely confused and shocked.

I was still eating keto, and fasting for 5 days every month. I didn’t think it was possible for it to grow AND I didn’t think it was fair.

We didn’t share this news with anyone straight away as we just had to process it. We also left the next morning for our family holiday, a week with our kids in Queenstown and I couldn’t have this overshadow our trip. That night I didn’t sleep, I was tossing and turning, praying incessantly and my mind was racing. I was really needing to hear from God. This was more than growth, it challenged everything I believed in.

God spoke pretty quickly. I’ve always been blessed with people who come into my life at the right time and within 24 hours I knew that everything was going to be ok. We regrouped with Matt and adjusted my plan – returning to the 7-day water fasts.

I did this for the next two months and then in December 2020 my immune system went crazy (part of the Myasthenia Gravis) and started to attack my liver. I lost too much weight to continue with monthly fasts, and then in March 2021 I was diagnosed with a new (rare) disease, Rippling Muscle Disease.

Being unable to fast made me quite anxious, as this is the only thing I could control – my only treatment for the cancer. But I have learnt that while my immune system is hyperactive, my body is fighting the cancer in its own way, and this was confirmed in February 2021 where an x-ray proved there had been no growth.

Now (June 2021) my medications have been slightly adjusted to manage the Myasthenia. I am feeling strong and will soon resume the monthly fasts.

The past six months have been challenging as I struggle when things don’t happen they way I think they should. I ignored the initial cancer growth because I didn’t believe it could be possible, and I procrastinated with the Myasthenia symptoms because I didn’t want them to exist.

I have since learnt (or am trying to) that faith and pragmatism can walk hand and hand. Faith undoubtedly keeps me going, it keeps fear and discouragement at bay and keeps my focus on the end goal. Being pragmatic is harder. It says, trust in God but lock your car. It says, medications are a necessary part of my healing right now and my full healing will take longer than I like and may be more complicated. It says be patient - I can’t ‘want’ things into being.

I have learnt that it is ok to be disappointed.

I am now in a place of contentment, appreciating that this journey is also one of spiritual growth. And I have come to accept, that although I can plan my path, only God will determine my steps…